1 00:00:24,620 --> 00:00:25,760 A fella goes to the psychiatrist. 2 00:00:26,320 --> 00:00:29,460 He says, Doctor, he says, I keep thinking I'm a tin of biscuits. 3 00:00:29,860 --> 00:00:32,220 And today, I feel dry and flaky. 4 00:00:32,500 --> 00:00:34,080 The doctor says, say no more. 5 00:00:34,300 --> 00:00:35,860 Say no more. You're crackless. 6 00:00:38,920 --> 00:00:41,860 This fella went to the doctor, sir. 7 00:00:42,620 --> 00:00:43,700 And he walked in like that. 8 00:00:44,640 --> 00:00:46,220 I could have been like that, but I think I was like that. 9 00:00:47,360 --> 00:00:48,680 And he walked in, sir. 10 00:00:49,340 --> 00:00:51,140 And he said, Doctor, he said, I think I'm going to die. 11 00:00:51,580 --> 00:00:52,580 I thought, don't be stupid. 12 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:53,739 Lift your 80. 13 00:00:53,740 --> 00:00:54,740 I'm up 80 now. 14 00:00:54,920 --> 00:00:56,020 He said, here, I want to tell you. 15 00:00:58,420 --> 00:00:59,299 Thank you very much. 16 00:00:59,300 --> 00:01:00,400 Just like that. Just like that. 17 00:01:02,500 --> 00:01:05,239 There's a fella with a glass eye, and he gets on a bus. 18 00:01:05,440 --> 00:01:06,440 Just like that. 19 00:01:06,760 --> 00:01:10,300 And all of a sudden, he takes his glass eye out and starts bouncing it up and 20 00:01:10,300 --> 00:01:12,240 down. Just like that. Up and down. Up and down. 21 00:01:12,680 --> 00:01:14,140 The conductor walks over to him. He said, here. 22 00:01:14,360 --> 00:01:15,440 He said, what do you keep doing that for? 23 00:01:15,640 --> 00:01:17,120 He said, well, I want to see if there's any seats upstairs. 24 00:01:22,830 --> 00:01:24,730 I was standing at this corner. La, la. 25 00:01:25,210 --> 00:01:26,210 No, it was la. 26 00:01:26,790 --> 00:01:28,350 And I just crawled out. 27 00:01:28,790 --> 00:01:31,610 Sure. I just crawled out. La, la. 28 00:01:32,410 --> 00:01:34,390 I was la, la. And the crawled out was la, la. 29 00:01:34,870 --> 00:01:36,670 And there was this woman. She was standing la, la. 30 00:01:36,930 --> 00:01:41,630 And she said, excuse me, but what about your crawled out? Why don't you take it 31 00:01:41,630 --> 00:01:44,490 to the zoo? I said, I took him there. He didn't like that, so I'm taking up the 32 00:01:44,490 --> 00:01:45,490 pictures. 33 00:01:55,320 --> 00:01:56,320 Right, right. 34 00:01:56,980 --> 00:02:01,400 You four, absolutely lovely. Super -duper. You're all in. 35 00:02:02,000 --> 00:02:04,080 Sorry, dear, you won't do at all. Try the BBC. 36 00:02:29,279 --> 00:02:30,279 Thank you. 37 00:02:30,640 --> 00:02:31,640 Good evening. 38 00:02:31,860 --> 00:02:32,860 Have I got time for more? 39 00:02:35,960 --> 00:02:38,820 As for our production of Zephyr Cloth, four live ducks. 40 00:02:41,000 --> 00:02:42,000 I've got to wait again. 41 00:02:48,240 --> 00:02:49,980 Look, see that? 42 00:02:50,760 --> 00:02:51,780 This one does the same look. 43 00:02:59,310 --> 00:03:00,590 Here's a little trick I'd like to show you now. 44 00:03:01,430 --> 00:03:03,030 It's a very famous egg -a -bag trick. 45 00:03:07,770 --> 00:03:08,770 Here's the egg as a bag. 46 00:03:12,050 --> 00:03:13,050 My teeth itch. 47 00:03:14,890 --> 00:03:17,290 I went to the dentist. He said, my teeth are all right, but my gum's got to come 48 00:03:17,290 --> 00:03:18,290 out. 49 00:03:22,470 --> 00:03:27,550 And I said... He looked at me, and I said, I've got to... 50 00:03:27,880 --> 00:03:28,880 Terrell paid just up there. 51 00:03:29,580 --> 00:03:30,580 See? 52 00:03:31,180 --> 00:03:33,500 Up there it was. 53 00:03:34,280 --> 00:03:35,800 So he said, I'll tell you what I'll do. I said, what's that? 54 00:03:36,780 --> 00:03:37,780 Because he spoke to me. 55 00:03:40,560 --> 00:03:44,220 And I said, I'm going to pay it up there. He said, well, I'll tell you 56 00:03:44,260 --> 00:03:47,460 I'll x -ray it. So you get these little tiny x -rays like that, a little small 57 00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:48,460 one like that. 58 00:03:48,580 --> 00:03:50,540 And you put it up there like that. You hold it up there like that. 59 00:03:51,920 --> 00:03:52,980 And I'm sitting there like that. 60 00:03:54,560 --> 00:03:56,420 And they bring this x -ray machine in, see? 61 00:03:57,240 --> 00:04:01,120 And it went... Just 62 00:04:01,120 --> 00:04:04,400 like that. 63 00:04:06,180 --> 00:04:10,380 And he took it out and he looked at it and he said, no wonder it hurts. You've 64 00:04:10,380 --> 00:04:11,460 got a finger poked up there. 65 00:04:18,959 --> 00:04:19,959 Ain't very baggy. 66 00:04:25,700 --> 00:04:26,920 I thought I was waiting to go. 67 00:04:28,780 --> 00:04:29,780 The same dentist. 68 00:04:30,020 --> 00:04:31,800 And I was sitting reading the magazines. 69 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:34,280 Wasn't it awful about that Titanic? 70 00:04:37,860 --> 00:04:39,540 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 71 00:04:39,940 --> 00:04:40,940 Ha, ha. 72 00:04:41,280 --> 00:04:42,820 Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 73 00:04:43,120 --> 00:04:44,260 Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 74 00:04:44,840 --> 00:04:45,660 Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. 75 00:04:45,660 --> 00:04:46,279 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 76 00:04:46,280 --> 00:04:47,219 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 77 00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,140 Ha, ha, ha, ha. 78 00:04:49,520 --> 00:04:50,520 Ha, 79 00:04:50,920 --> 00:04:53,000 ha, ha, ha. 80 00:05:00,520 --> 00:05:01,520 very, very closely. 81 00:05:02,280 --> 00:05:05,320 And if you see any suspicious moves, don't say anything. 82 00:05:07,280 --> 00:05:09,320 This egg will vanish in front of your very eyes so you won't have the 83 00:05:09,320 --> 00:05:10,320 clue where it's gone. 84 00:05:12,080 --> 00:05:14,860 On the other hand, I've got four fingers in the thumb. 85 00:05:20,840 --> 00:05:21,840 Oh, dear. 86 00:06:17,360 --> 00:06:18,700 I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out. 87 00:06:20,400 --> 00:06:21,800 I've got a cigarette lighter that won't go out. 88 00:06:26,300 --> 00:06:31,040 So, uh... Look at that, I'm naked. 89 00:06:31,340 --> 00:06:35,680 So... So I went to this doctor, and I said, it hurts me when I do that. 90 00:06:36,360 --> 00:06:37,360 He said, well, don't do it. 91 00:06:46,440 --> 00:06:48,260 Last night I ordered everything in French to surprise everybody. 92 00:06:48,480 --> 00:06:49,480 It was a Chinese restaurant. 93 00:06:52,920 --> 00:06:55,520 And I said to this Chinese waiter, I said, look, this chicken I got here is 94 00:06:55,520 --> 00:06:57,760 cold. He said, well, sure, but it's been dead two weeks. 95 00:06:59,860 --> 00:07:02,020 I said, not only that, I said, I said, I said it twice. 96 00:07:04,600 --> 00:07:06,380 I said, he's got one leg shorter than the other. 97 00:07:07,140 --> 00:07:08,840 He said, what do you want to do, eat it or dance with it? 98 00:07:18,060 --> 00:07:23,680 I said, give me a lobster. 99 00:07:25,060 --> 00:07:27,160 So he brought the lobster. I looked at it. I said, just a minute. 100 00:07:28,420 --> 00:07:29,780 I said, just a minute, I said. 101 00:07:30,680 --> 00:07:31,860 I said, you've only got one claw. 102 00:07:33,320 --> 00:07:34,320 He's been in a fight. 103 00:07:35,940 --> 00:07:36,940 I said, well, give me the winner. 104 00:07:49,130 --> 00:07:50,130 I said an ovation. 105 00:07:53,990 --> 00:07:55,730 And I said... Oh, God, something in my eye. 106 00:07:56,670 --> 00:07:57,670 It's my finger. 107 00:08:00,490 --> 00:08:02,510 So I said to this child... What happened then? 108 00:08:04,930 --> 00:08:09,810 So I said... I said to this childish waiter, I said, excuse me, and he said, 109 00:08:09,910 --> 00:08:10,910 yeah. 110 00:08:12,110 --> 00:08:13,330 Look at that, impressions as well. 111 00:08:15,690 --> 00:08:18,360 I said, tell me something. I said... are there any Chinese Jews? 112 00:08:19,800 --> 00:08:21,820 He said, I don't know. 113 00:08:22,040 --> 00:08:28,840 So he went and he came back and he said, no, 114 00:08:28,880 --> 00:08:30,880 there's only apple juice, pineapple juice. 115 00:08:35,600 --> 00:08:42,280 So I said, 116 00:08:42,340 --> 00:08:46,520 so I said to the Chinese way to be on the counter. 117 00:08:46,970 --> 00:08:49,250 See? I said, excuse me. And he said, yeah. 118 00:08:50,370 --> 00:08:51,370 Could have been the same one. 119 00:08:53,030 --> 00:08:54,150 Well, he could have walked around, couldn't he? 120 00:08:56,010 --> 00:08:57,950 I said, have you got frog's legs? 121 00:09:01,190 --> 00:09:02,430 And he said, yes. 122 00:09:03,130 --> 00:09:04,930 I said, well, hot with a kind of get me a cheese sandwich. 123 00:09:10,910 --> 00:09:15,650 My boy said to me today, he said, what do you call a gorilla? 124 00:09:16,989 --> 00:09:18,210 that's got a banana on each ear. 125 00:09:18,930 --> 00:09:21,390 And I said, what do you call a gorilla that's got a banana on each ear? 126 00:09:21,790 --> 00:09:23,310 He said, anything you like, he can't hear you. 127 00:09:29,270 --> 00:09:30,870 The very famous Belgian one. 128 00:09:32,650 --> 00:09:34,770 There's a white tip here and a white tip there. Now, the reason for the white 129 00:09:34,770 --> 00:09:36,510 tips is to separate the ends from the centre. 130 00:10:29,130 --> 00:10:30,130 There's a hyena. 131 00:10:30,250 --> 00:10:31,250 You know, a hyena. 132 00:10:32,150 --> 00:10:35,170 And he's talking to this monkey. 133 00:10:36,350 --> 00:10:39,230 And he said to this monkey, he said, you see that little passage, that little 134 00:10:39,230 --> 00:10:43,490 thing down there, the little narrow... He said, just down there, you see those 135 00:10:43,490 --> 00:10:44,670 big clump of trees and bushes? 136 00:10:45,490 --> 00:10:46,590 And this monkey said, yes. 137 00:10:47,230 --> 00:10:48,970 He said, well, I go home that way every night. 138 00:10:50,350 --> 00:10:51,350 He said, I don't have to. 139 00:10:52,550 --> 00:10:54,490 But, you know, it's a shortcut for me. I go home. 140 00:10:54,790 --> 00:10:57,630 He said, well, every time I get to that bunch of trees there... 141 00:10:57,930 --> 00:11:01,550 He said, this lion jumps out and throws me all over the place. 142 00:11:03,170 --> 00:11:04,730 He said, I don't know why he picked on me. 143 00:11:06,370 --> 00:11:08,470 All the time he keeps throwing me about, bashing me about. 144 00:11:09,090 --> 00:11:10,490 He said, and then he goes. 145 00:11:11,450 --> 00:11:13,030 He thinks it's funny, you know what I mean? 146 00:11:15,410 --> 00:11:18,630 So, the monkey said, I know what you mean. 147 00:11:20,170 --> 00:11:23,870 He said, well, I'll tell you what. He said, I'll come over here tonight, you 148 00:11:23,870 --> 00:11:25,910 know, to protect you. 149 00:11:26,739 --> 00:11:28,640 So he said, would you? He said, yes. 150 00:11:29,920 --> 00:11:33,820 So... So they shook hands on it. 151 00:11:34,800 --> 00:11:36,400 Nothing in writing. Just shake it. They shook it. 152 00:11:37,840 --> 00:11:40,340 And he started to walk down towards the clump of trees. 153 00:11:40,840 --> 00:11:41,840 See? 154 00:11:44,140 --> 00:11:45,800 I cut out laughing. I know what's coming next. 155 00:11:48,280 --> 00:11:51,680 And he got down to this clump of trees, and he was just going to turn like that, 156 00:11:51,760 --> 00:11:54,780 and this lion jumped up and got this hyena and went, whoa! 157 00:11:54,980 --> 00:11:55,980 Boom! 158 00:11:56,329 --> 00:12:00,370 And this monkey went right up the tree and left him there. Look at him, right 159 00:12:00,370 --> 00:12:01,370 there. 160 00:12:02,910 --> 00:12:03,910 And he was like that. 161 00:12:05,470 --> 00:12:09,830 And all of a sudden, this lion went, boom, boom, and left this lion on his 162 00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:10,830 like that. 163 00:12:12,030 --> 00:12:13,370 He may have been like that. No, he's like that. 164 00:12:17,290 --> 00:12:19,870 And then this monkey came down and was standing beside him. 165 00:12:20,330 --> 00:12:21,530 And this lion was like that. 166 00:12:23,170 --> 00:12:24,630 And he looks up at this monkey and he said, 167 00:12:28,500 --> 00:12:29,820 He said, I thought you were going to help me. 168 00:12:30,480 --> 00:12:33,800 He said, well, I was, he said, but when I looked down, he said, you were 169 00:12:33,800 --> 00:12:35,060 laughing so much, I thought you were winning. 170 00:12:39,240 --> 00:12:40,240 You know, 171 00:12:46,120 --> 00:12:48,000 I'm very soft -hearted, really. 172 00:12:48,500 --> 00:12:49,920 I am, honestly. I wouldn't harm a fly. 173 00:12:50,720 --> 00:12:52,600 And I never use these fly killers, never. 174 00:12:53,800 --> 00:12:54,800 I use this. 175 00:12:55,900 --> 00:12:56,900 Instant starch. 176 00:12:59,560 --> 00:13:02,620 It doesn't kill them, but they glide out the window like that. 177 00:13:12,800 --> 00:13:18,800 Ladies and gentlemen, 178 00:13:18,940 --> 00:13:24,980 I was walking over the other night and a man came out from a doorway. He said, 179 00:13:25,020 --> 00:13:26,980 have you seen a policeman around here? I said, no, he's a stigma. 180 00:13:33,960 --> 00:13:35,620 people express their feelings through different ways. 181 00:13:36,880 --> 00:13:40,120 Some people express their feelings through a song. 182 00:13:41,340 --> 00:13:44,580 Other people express their feelings through poetry. 183 00:13:45,960 --> 00:13:50,600 But tonight, I will express my feelings by speaking to you through my trumpet. 184 00:13:52,040 --> 00:13:53,180 Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. 185 00:14:16,200 --> 00:14:17,200 You see this leaf? 186 00:14:19,340 --> 00:14:24,000 I saw this... I saw this little leaf on a tree all on its own. 187 00:14:25,400 --> 00:14:30,460 All on its own. It was because its little brother and sisters had been 188 00:14:30,460 --> 00:14:31,460 away with the wind. 189 00:14:32,380 --> 00:14:35,620 So I thought to myself, I'll take that little leaf home. 190 00:14:37,680 --> 00:14:42,060 And I put it in a little flower pot on the windowsill with fresh soil. 191 00:14:43,700 --> 00:14:45,240 And let the sun gleam on it. 192 00:14:46,500 --> 00:14:49,480 So that it would grow into a nice big tree. 193 00:14:50,600 --> 00:14:51,600 All proud. 194 00:14:52,220 --> 00:14:53,220 All on his own. 195 00:14:54,100 --> 00:14:56,260 And then I thought, I want to hell with it. 196 00:15:08,440 --> 00:15:10,360 Five hearts, ace of spades, queen of diamonds. 197 00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:19,720 Put the ace of spades down there. 198 00:15:22,840 --> 00:15:23,860 Five of hearts down there. 199 00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:26,000 Andy. 200 00:15:30,140 --> 00:15:31,840 Three of diamonds has completely vanished. 201 00:15:35,260 --> 00:15:36,420 Both sides of the mat, look. 202 00:16:00,730 --> 00:16:01,730 Mr. Random. 203 00:16:02,730 --> 00:16:05,130 Would you think of any card you like in the pack, sir, but don't tell me. 204 00:16:09,250 --> 00:16:10,250 Think of any card, sir. 205 00:16:11,190 --> 00:16:12,350 No, just think of one, sir. 206 00:16:15,330 --> 00:16:16,330 Have you thought of one, sir? 207 00:16:16,950 --> 00:16:18,190 Right, now this is mind over matter. 208 00:16:19,250 --> 00:16:20,970 If you don't mind, I don't matter. 209 00:16:24,530 --> 00:16:25,650 I'll put the cards in there, sir. 210 00:18:43,080 --> 00:18:49,640 Especially for you And with these simple words I 211 00:18:49,640 --> 00:18:50,640 say 212 00:19:56,819 --> 00:19:59,540 Today is so rare. 213 00:20:02,000 --> 00:20:04,140 Love such as yours. 214 00:21:45,070 --> 00:21:46,070 to Livingstone, I presume? 215 00:21:46,390 --> 00:21:47,390 No. 216 00:21:53,290 --> 00:21:57,710 It gives me great pleasure to name the ship The Sheik of... 217 00:22:53,430 --> 00:22:54,430 Livingstone, I presume? 218 00:22:54,510 --> 00:22:55,510 Yes. 219 00:22:55,630 --> 00:22:58,590 Well, look, they can't read your prescription down at the chemist. 220 00:23:36,490 --> 00:23:37,490 Excuse me. 221 00:23:38,110 --> 00:23:42,490 Are you Albert Smith, 49 Billabong Avenue, Melbourne, Australia? 222 00:23:42,810 --> 00:23:44,170 Yeah, that's right, copper. 223 00:23:44,550 --> 00:23:45,810 Well, your tea's ready. 224 00:23:56,110 --> 00:23:57,110 Good evening. 225 00:23:57,270 --> 00:24:01,470 Tonight, we're fortunate to have with us in the studio a notable expert on 226 00:24:01,470 --> 00:24:05,090 karate, judo, kung fu, and jujitsu. 227 00:24:05,520 --> 00:24:09,120 the only holder of the black belt in all four fighting arts. 228 00:24:09,460 --> 00:24:10,359 I'd like that. 229 00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:16,060 I haven't finished introducing you yet. Just get off, get off. 230 00:24:17,480 --> 00:24:22,800 And the winner of the gold medal for heavyweight origami at the last 231 00:24:23,120 --> 00:24:24,300 Mr. Thomas Cooper. 232 00:24:24,600 --> 00:24:25,600 Yes. 233 00:24:26,260 --> 00:24:27,260 I'd like that. 234 00:24:29,840 --> 00:24:31,140 I think I've done my leg in. 235 00:24:32,480 --> 00:24:34,040 Good evening, Mr. Cooper. Good evening. 236 00:24:45,230 --> 00:24:46,850 Now, I believe you have a black belt. 237 00:24:47,230 --> 00:24:48,230 Yes. 238 00:24:50,310 --> 00:24:52,790 And before that, I had a brown belt. And before that, I had a white belt. 239 00:24:52,990 --> 00:24:53,909 And before that? 240 00:24:53,910 --> 00:24:54,910 My trousers were folded. 241 00:24:57,870 --> 00:25:03,030 You're also, I believe, one of the few people actually to fight in Japan 242 00:25:03,370 --> 00:25:03,909 Oh, yes. 243 00:25:03,910 --> 00:25:04,829 Only once. 244 00:25:04,830 --> 00:25:05,830 Oh. Yes, only once. 245 00:25:06,010 --> 00:25:07,910 Because they fight down there on a big, big mat. 246 00:25:08,290 --> 00:25:10,990 And I came out, and I touched my forehead on the floor. 247 00:25:11,260 --> 00:25:13,280 Yes, of course, the traditional courtesy of Japan. 248 00:25:13,520 --> 00:25:14,520 No, I tripped over the net. 249 00:25:16,220 --> 00:25:17,980 No? No, not yet. No, later. 250 00:25:20,500 --> 00:25:23,000 And then, I'll talk about my dressing gown. 251 00:25:23,300 --> 00:25:27,920 All the crowd shouted, Hayata, Hayata, Uesamata. Oh, yes. 252 00:25:28,880 --> 00:25:31,960 Which is roughly translated means, you've got no shorts on. 253 00:25:33,500 --> 00:25:35,500 And how did the fight go? 254 00:25:36,080 --> 00:25:37,019 How did it go? 255 00:25:37,020 --> 00:25:39,380 Yes. Well, as a matter of fact, no? 256 00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:40,960 No, no, later, later. 257 00:25:41,580 --> 00:25:44,940 Well, I started off, you see, with a long -arm knuckle blow, like that. Yes. 258 00:25:45,140 --> 00:25:49,460 In Japanese, it's called the ida. Oh. And then I followed up with the elbow 259 00:25:49,700 --> 00:25:52,440 Yes. See, which is called the nutter. Mm -hmm. 260 00:25:52,720 --> 00:25:53,720 Yes. 261 00:25:54,920 --> 00:26:01,180 And all the crowd was screaming, is that nutter? Is that nutter? 262 00:26:01,460 --> 00:26:05,020 Yes, now, these karate experts in Japan, what are they like? 263 00:26:05,580 --> 00:26:07,580 Marvelous. Oh, yes. Oh, yes. Japanese. 264 00:26:07,780 --> 00:26:09,100 All Japanese are. Oh, yes. 265 00:26:11,289 --> 00:26:13,350 And one was about that high. See? 266 00:26:14,050 --> 00:26:15,710 And... About that. 267 00:26:16,010 --> 00:26:17,010 About that. 268 00:26:18,250 --> 00:26:21,050 And... These six men came towards him. 269 00:26:21,330 --> 00:26:22,650 Six. About seven foot tall, they were. 270 00:26:23,170 --> 00:26:25,790 And they all came towards him and attacked him at the same time. 271 00:26:25,990 --> 00:26:26,809 And what happened? 272 00:26:26,810 --> 00:26:27,810 They murdered him. 273 00:26:30,470 --> 00:26:31,470 Tell me... No. 274 00:26:31,510 --> 00:26:32,269 Not yet. 275 00:26:32,270 --> 00:26:33,270 No. 276 00:26:33,390 --> 00:26:34,390 Tell me. 277 00:26:43,530 --> 00:26:48,030 Now, what would you do if a man came towards you with a gun in his hand? 278 00:26:49,190 --> 00:26:51,190 About 50 miles an hour. 279 00:26:53,850 --> 00:26:57,550 You're right. Now is the time. Now is the time. I believe that you are going 280 00:26:57,550 --> 00:27:00,830 break these four bricks in halves with a single blow of your hand. 281 00:27:01,130 --> 00:27:01,769 That's quite right. 282 00:27:01,770 --> 00:27:02,770 Yes. Quite right. 283 00:27:03,130 --> 00:27:06,750 Because, poor, that there is like a solid steel. 284 00:27:06,950 --> 00:27:07,950 Yes. 285 00:27:09,370 --> 00:27:10,630 I don't feel any pain. 286 00:27:10,990 --> 00:27:12,590 No pain at all. Marvellous. 287 00:27:13,020 --> 00:27:14,020 This hand is a killer. 288 00:27:14,520 --> 00:27:15,520 No. 289 00:27:16,040 --> 00:27:17,040 Yes, go ahead. 290 00:27:21,660 --> 00:27:22,660 What's the matter? 291 00:27:22,980 --> 00:27:24,260 It's the wrong hand. It's this one. 292 00:27:31,780 --> 00:27:32,780 Well, 293 00:27:36,020 --> 00:27:39,500 don't worry too much as long as we can go on with the other demonstration. 294 00:27:40,540 --> 00:27:41,920 Is that it? Yes, with the water. 295 00:27:42,670 --> 00:27:46,130 Oh, yes, yes, of course. I like to show you that, because I like to show my 296 00:27:46,130 --> 00:27:49,270 amazing reflexes and how quickly I move, you know. 297 00:27:54,410 --> 00:28:01,350 If you could... Why don't you hold the wood for a minute? What I should 298 00:28:01,350 --> 00:28:03,130 do, I should go down here like this, see? 299 00:28:03,470 --> 00:28:07,190 Yes. I should stand here like that, right? And you'll be up there, and I 300 00:28:07,190 --> 00:28:10,390 you to creep towards me and try to hit me in the back with that plank of wood. 301 00:28:10,780 --> 00:28:13,100 Are you sure about that? Oh, yes, because you won't have a chance, you 302 00:28:13,880 --> 00:28:15,460 Because I shall stand like that. 303 00:28:16,120 --> 00:28:17,640 I shall turn around very quickly like that. 304 00:28:18,300 --> 00:28:19,460 Or I may go that way. I don't know. 305 00:28:21,580 --> 00:28:23,080 I may go up. 306 00:28:25,360 --> 00:28:28,400 I'll see it. And I shall take the wood and jam it in the eyes like that. 307 00:28:28,980 --> 00:28:31,080 Yes, I'm not very good at hitting people. 308 00:28:31,320 --> 00:28:34,280 Don't worry. I'll tell you what. Take your shoes off so I can't hear you 309 00:28:34,280 --> 00:28:35,280 down the door. 310 00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:40,480 Up here. Up here? Yeah. 311 00:28:42,570 --> 00:28:44,110 Right? Just there like that. 312 00:28:44,390 --> 00:28:45,450 Oh, yes. 313 00:28:45,830 --> 00:28:51,570 Right? See? Now, don't forget, Noah, come down any time you like, because 314 00:28:51,570 --> 00:28:52,570 got amazing reflexes. 315 00:29:01,150 --> 00:29:02,150 How was that? 316 00:29:04,950 --> 00:29:06,450 That was a bit quick. 317 00:29:16,240 --> 00:29:17,360 I tell you what, can you cough? 318 00:29:17,620 --> 00:29:18,620 Yes. 319 00:29:19,920 --> 00:29:21,580 Put your shoes on. 320 00:29:21,780 --> 00:29:22,780 Oh. 321 00:29:25,360 --> 00:29:28,640 And this time, when you come down, cough. 322 00:29:31,340 --> 00:29:31,999 Like that. 323 00:29:32,000 --> 00:29:34,500 Yes. I mean, you'd better give me a chance. Oh, of course, yes. 324 00:29:36,760 --> 00:29:38,260 I mean, I've got amazing reflexes. 325 00:29:38,680 --> 00:29:41,880 But you'd better be fair. Yes, fair's fair. Oh, yes. Yes, I do. 326 00:29:42,140 --> 00:29:43,140 I do see that. 327 00:29:43,720 --> 00:29:44,740 Right. Right. 328 00:29:45,230 --> 00:29:48,690 Yes. Then come down, say, as puff, loud as possible. 329 00:29:49,890 --> 00:29:55,850 I'm beginning to enjoy this. 330 00:30:01,290 --> 00:30:04,250 Can you... Can you sing? 331 00:30:05,210 --> 00:30:07,610 Not very well. Any particular song? 332 00:30:07,830 --> 00:30:08,529 Anything you like. 333 00:30:08,530 --> 00:30:11,790 I'll tell you what to do this time. Look, steer me on. Yes. You've got your 334 00:30:11,790 --> 00:30:13,410 shoes on? Yes. I want you to come up here. 335 00:30:13,950 --> 00:30:18,630 See, and sing a song and come down very heavy like that. Ah, see. It's a long 336 00:30:18,630 --> 00:30:20,390 way to temporary. 337 00:30:21,590 --> 00:30:23,750 It's a long way to go. 338 00:30:24,090 --> 00:30:25,090 Yes. 339 00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:26,450 Right? Yes. 340 00:30:26,770 --> 00:30:29,590 See, I want you to sneak up on me loudly. 341 00:30:34,950 --> 00:30:36,990 All right, ready? Are you ready? Okay. 342 00:30:38,910 --> 00:30:39,910 That's it. 343 00:30:40,450 --> 00:30:41,930 Surprise, attack, surprise. 344 00:30:54,399 --> 00:30:58,340 I'll tell you what. 345 00:31:00,140 --> 00:31:04,080 How about wearing a blindfold and bang a big drum? 346 00:31:05,180 --> 00:31:07,540 I think we'd better go on with the next item. 347 00:31:08,080 --> 00:31:09,320 What is the next item? 348 00:31:10,440 --> 00:31:11,860 There's two boys, one girl. 349 00:31:12,430 --> 00:31:13,430 and two guitars. 350 00:31:13,570 --> 00:31:18,350 Please welcome their arrival, six legs in perfect harmony, the Springfield 351 00:31:18,350 --> 00:31:19,350 Revival. 352 00:31:48,460 --> 00:31:53,540 She comes upon the scene. They always stare like a statue made of stone. 353 00:31:53,960 --> 00:31:59,340 And when they realize that what's before your eyes, the other girl. 354 00:32:29,450 --> 00:32:30,750 monkey on a limb. 355 00:32:31,070 --> 00:32:37,870 He wonders why the people go to so much trouble to try to be like 356 00:32:37,870 --> 00:32:44,570 him. He doesn't understand that it's the lady's hand that makes a heart 357 00:32:44,570 --> 00:32:46,350 feel so sublime. 358 00:32:47,090 --> 00:32:53,330 And before too long, he starts to sing this song and maybe gets in the tongue 359 00:32:53,330 --> 00:32:54,330 girl. 360 00:33:07,950 --> 00:33:10,650 All right. 361 00:33:38,860 --> 00:33:41,760 And when you get up close to the lady with the charm. 362 00:33:42,420 --> 00:33:46,480 But from miles away, you can see her grave. 363 00:33:46,820 --> 00:33:49,500 To the beat of a Cuban song, to find her calm. 364 00:33:49,880 --> 00:33:54,120 Oh, down in the Caribbean, inside a dream you see. 365 00:33:54,340 --> 00:33:57,340 And when you get up close to the lady with the charm. 366 00:34:51,020 --> 00:34:54,739 Why not? Because you look lovely just where you are. 367 00:35:48,430 --> 00:35:55,050 Great white goddess, she who must be obeyed. She who must be obeyed? 368 00:35:55,770 --> 00:35:57,510 You can't park here, love. 369 00:36:03,970 --> 00:36:06,430 That's another fine mess you've got me into, Stanley. 370 00:36:38,860 --> 00:36:39,860 Good boy. 371 00:37:09,580 --> 00:37:10,740 I'd like to do something serious for you now. 372 00:37:14,280 --> 00:37:18,800 It's a one -man theatre in which I play 400 different people. 373 00:37:19,820 --> 00:37:22,920 But luckily, 398 are not in this scene. 374 00:37:24,340 --> 00:37:26,440 Just him and him. 375 00:37:27,820 --> 00:37:29,180 The scene is 1941. 376 00:37:36,760 --> 00:37:38,000 So there's someone. 377 00:37:42,090 --> 00:37:44,250 It's 1941, a prisoner of war camp in the Rhine. 378 00:37:44,850 --> 00:37:46,470 And they're all wearing Rhine coats. 379 00:37:52,330 --> 00:37:59,330 And... The leader of the British is the officer, 380 00:37:59,350 --> 00:38:02,790 Captain... Creamtee. 381 00:38:06,050 --> 00:38:08,450 He's one of the real Dempster Creamtees. 382 00:38:10,440 --> 00:38:13,700 And he's face to face with that brutal camp commandant. 383 00:38:17,080 --> 00:38:19,340 Hands, knees and bumps it is. 384 00:38:24,320 --> 00:38:25,320 Captain. 385 00:38:29,360 --> 00:38:30,360 Captain. 386 00:38:33,400 --> 00:38:37,520 Yesterday, there were 200 prisoners in the camp. 387 00:38:38,740 --> 00:38:39,740 Today, 388 00:38:46,990 --> 00:38:48,790 We built our escape tunnel back to front. 389 00:38:52,370 --> 00:38:53,370 Silence! 390 00:38:53,670 --> 00:38:54,670 Silence! 391 00:40:12,140 --> 00:40:14,140 as they should, which... 392 00:40:42,570 --> 00:40:49,330 To have more... More... To teach you to 393 00:40:49,330 --> 00:40:50,630 have... What? Yes, all right. 394 00:40:52,590 --> 00:40:55,170 To teach you to have more respect in the future. 395 00:40:56,490 --> 00:40:58,990 You will put on the blindfold. 396 00:41:00,070 --> 00:41:01,790 Have you one last request? 397 00:41:03,590 --> 00:41:04,830 Yes, could I have a cigarette? 398 00:44:04,040 --> 00:44:07,820 Ladies and gentlemen, meet my special guest, John. 399 00:44:14,820 --> 00:44:21,200 Rivers belong where they can ramble Eagles 400 00:44:21,200 --> 00:44:27,640 belong where they can fly I've got to be 401 00:44:27,640 --> 00:44:30,060 where my spirit can run 402 00:44:47,940 --> 00:44:48,940 Thank you. 403 00:45:33,770 --> 00:45:35,370 Never for something small. 404 00:45:36,210 --> 00:45:40,430 But I won't rest until I know I'll have it all. 405 00:45:41,190 --> 00:45:43,110 So don't ask where I'm going. 406 00:45:43,390 --> 00:45:45,730 Just kiss me when I'm gone. 407 00:45:46,490 --> 00:45:51,210 And far away you'll hear me singing softly to the dawn. 408 00:45:52,590 --> 00:45:54,450 Morning glow. 409 00:45:55,850 --> 00:45:57,390 Morning glow. 410 00:45:58,410 --> 00:45:59,950 Seems to glimmer. 411 00:48:46,350 --> 00:48:47,350 Your cloak monsieur. 412 00:48:47,390 --> 00:48:48,570 Your hat monsieur. 413 00:48:49,590 --> 00:48:50,770 Your cane monsieur. 414 00:48:51,250 --> 00:48:52,670 Your gloves monsieur. 415 00:49:38,350 --> 00:49:40,250 Ten million francs. Wait. 416 00:49:41,990 --> 00:49:43,710 That's impossible, monsieur. 417 00:49:43,970 --> 00:49:44,970 There are limits. 418 00:49:45,970 --> 00:49:48,830 Well, monsieur, anything. 419 00:49:59,750 --> 00:50:00,750 Seventeen. 420 00:50:17,100 --> 00:50:18,100 Your cloak, monsieur. 421 00:50:18,120 --> 00:50:19,380 Your hat, monsieur. 422 00:50:20,220 --> 00:50:22,720 Your cane, monsieur. Your blood, monsieur. 423 00:51:26,160 --> 00:51:29,500 I play when I want, look rich at the end of the show, and I want something big 424 00:51:29,500 --> 00:51:30,500 to get off of.